Writing What I Want To Write

I have the hardest problem in writing what I want to write. I have all of the good intentions of writing about this subject or that and then I start to write and I end up with something I didn't want. I end up with some lukewarm piece that is thin, lackluster and not at all what I wanted to put down. It's not that I am writing something that wasn't as good as I wanted to write, but that I wrote something I did not mean. I did not put the whole truth down. Fear kept me from pushing the keys down.

Many writers have this problem and I am one of many; but I don't want to be one of many. I want to write or put down what is in on my mind. Is it that I fear other people's reactions? Am I afraid that people will react to the true me? I have been attacked for my opinions before. I was even physically attacked one time and had to call the police. I got suspended from my day job for doing that, but got it back when the union protested this treatment.

I think it extends into my fiction and poetry. I don't think it is a good thing. I wish I could put down what the solution to all of this is, but I don't have it. I have learned lately the first thing in any difficult situation is defining the problem. Well, the problem involves fear. I am afraid. I am afraid of rejection because I don't have enough confidence in myself as a writer. Marcel Proust was afraid of writing about homosexuality at first but did so slowly even though it was not accepted in France when and where he lived. He ended up writing the greatest novel of the 20th century although he was always afraid people would find out he was gay himself. He found the courage. I don't have a sexual orientation problem and even if I did it would be acceptable in today's climate.

I think when a writer puts down her or his words, they are presenting themselves naked to the world. I have always had a very thick wall around me. Obviously, many people do and I am no different. I can still feel the rejection when who I was did not meet with acceptance from my family when I was a child. I was not loved or welcomed by my peers, family through the years. I had not realized that until I wrote this that I was hurt by all of this rejection. All of this is being brought out by my current re-reading of the book, "How to Suppress Women's Writing" by Joanna Russ. I find the book to be very accurate. I think I am beginning to understand.

Women generally exist and think in solitude and it is hard to be honest when everyone slams down on them for this honesty. I can relate to that. Marcel Proust who I wrote about earlier had his mother for a long time and other male intellectuals, but a woman rarely runs across an intellectual for she is condemned for being one and if she is one she is one in secret. We are taught to treasure our families, children and even pets before we treasure our books and ideas.
A woman who cares about ideas is one who denies she is a woman. That is pretty heavy stuff. Even writing all of this is darn hard and difficult.

Mary Shelley wrote "Frankenstein" but there has been many articles and essays in which it was supposed that it was her husband, Percy Shelley, and even the other men at that party in which the idea of the monster was first brought up by Mary that she wasn't really the author. Jane Austin wrote her novels in the kitchen of her house and George Sands had to take a man's name to get published. Currently, there has been problems in women getting their books reviewed. This problem is far from being resolved. Being a writer is an assault on self confidence whether male or female but it is still more difficult if the writer is a woman.

As a writer, I have face criticism from every quarter of my life. There are no fans out there egging me on to keep writing as there are for men. Maybe if I had some best sellers, I might have a few. I have to do it on my own. The thing is I really love to write. I think I have something to say. I just have to convince myself that I have the right to say it although no one in my family is interested in what I write. I no longer tell family members when I am published, they don't care. I have been on posters and although one was kept, the other was destroyed while I was in Korea. All of the publications my writing appeared in was destroyed. All my books were given away. I exist in a vacuum and I don't think I deserve this, but this is the way life is.

No one is going to read this. I know this, but I don't care. I am alive and kicking right now. I am trying to be who I am on paper or on this screen and if I am not it would not make any difference anyhow. I might as well be me. My life is my life and what happens in it is my doing. I like what I write. It gives me a lot of pleasure just writing and reading. It really does not matter if no one cares as much as it does matter that I care. If a writer does not care what he or she writes then it will all be crap. I don't write crap. I write my stuff and I am going to try and care more about it. As the hair commercial says, because I am worth it.

Philosophy of Writing

I have a Facebook account and am a member of another. Yesterday, I posted a viewpoint about about a statement that was attributed to His Holiness, the Dali Lama. There was an accompanying news article that His Holiness was stepping down from his political role. I have great admiration of His Holiness and mentioned something about his role as a world leader. Someone who did not object to that but to a term that I had used said that I was not a Buddhist if I used it that way. I explained how I was using it and said that I was sorry for the confusion. He was not satisfied and said that I used other terms that were not in keeping in his tradition. Since, I explained my terms and am not a member of any tradition I thought the matter closed. I was still going to write my opinion whether he liked it or not.

The reason I am including this incident here is because I have written about writing before and wondered if I was not clear about my philosophy of writing. Some writers that I know follow the strictures of certain creative schools such as the one in Iowa as my friend Ted. He is a graduate of the University of Iowa Writers' Workshop. Many writers who write today are. I am not. He even taught there for a while after getting his graduate degree. I think it is very good. I just did not go there.

I am self-taught although I have a graduate degree in education from the University of Kansas in Education with an emphasis in English and journalism. I have never taken any creative writing classes. What I know I learned from reading others and reading the books authors write about it.

I have a fairly laid back point of view with a ground base in journalism. I think it is very important to write as clearly as possible. I don't like reading dialect so I never write in it. I show it in other ways. I write poetry as well but since I can't hear meter I never write it. It is a bear to teach it. It is part of my dyslexia. Maybe because I don't hear it, I don't think it is all that important. I can play music only if it has melody and math is something I have never understood although I understand mathematical theory. I have to see patterns before I understand it. I figure there are plenty of people out there with the same problems that I have.

Once I understood there was nothing wrong with me as a writer, I just put my fingers on the keys and wrote. I like what I write. I like what I write in my journals. I like what other writers write but not all authors. I am reading about Marcel Proust now because I love his writing. There are authors out there that are supposed to be excellent and I can't understand their novels or stories; but there are so many authors that I can and I will never run out of them.

Marcel Proust is the greatest writer of his time and his work influences writers today, but he had to self-publish his own books at first because no one wanted to. Many people thought he was a snob which he was not. Few writers' work live as long as his does. I am not going to worry about mine.

The one thing I want to impart on any writer is to write what he or she wants to and not to shape their work according to someone else's standards or to the market. Lots of books tell you that. Throw those books in the trash and do your own thing BUT make sure what you are writing is clear and understood. Use your editing pencil liberally. And send your babies out in the world.

Writing in restaurants

I am writing in my journal at Starbucks and someone leans over me and asks: "Is that your diary?"

"No." I answer, but I regret it already. Normally no one bothers me when I write in public. He is smiling at me and expecting something to explain what I am doing. "I am writing a letter." I say.

I write in my journal or notebook everyday and most of the time I am just practicing; but sometimes I get tired of being alone and go to places where there are people. There are a lot of people who do that and many use a laptop. I like to write by hand and it is so much easier do it that way. I know the man who was asking me what I was doing was just trying to be friendly. He had seen me in there before and later asked me if I would like to go out and have dinner with him. That does not happen to me anymore as I am a senior citizen. I thanked him but told him I had eaten already as I had. I eat one meal a day and drink coffee or tea the rest of the day. Occasionally I met with other writers and that works out better. We usually go to Denny's who does not mind our being there as long as we don't go during the busy hours. I often go at 2 or 3 am. Denny's is open 24 hours a day and the waitresses like regular customers there at odd hours.

I am one of the writers who have to write everyday. Virginia Woolf mentioned that she wrote most of the time in her notebook to practice as a pianist played the scales. I write in my journal and/notebook for the same reason and to record what was happening in my life. If I didn't, I would find the writing that I did on other projects harder to do. Now, it is so easy to write on these blogs because I am always writing in my notebook or journal. I had a relative who said I was a compulsive writer. Perhaps, but I love writing because it clears my mind and enables me to know what my mind is doing.

Woolf also recommends that a writer should allow all sorts of writing and not try to write well in their notebooks. Give yourself permission not to write well. This can be difficult for some writers to do. If you have to, write whatever you want and then tear it up or delete it. Just develop the freedom to write freely. I used to write and then destroy what I wrote and with this knowledge before hand I could feel free to write what I wanted to write. Soon, I did not have to destroy it.

I am in my room writing this, but I was at Whiskeytown Lake earlier today and wrote in my journal and enjoyed doing that while listening to some classical music. My phone plays music from a music service that I subscribe to. I was able to make a few phone calls and a friend called me. I ate a wonderful lunch from a new supermarket that now tells its customers what entrees in its deli case is gluten-free and which ones are not. It was also very beautiful out there too.

I think writers have the best jobs in the world. I am prejudiced. I enjoy what I do. I don't know too many people who wake up feeling good about doing what they do like I do although there are a few. I have several people I know who are writers and they love writing and hate it at the same time. I can understand that as there are aspects of writing that are pure torture such as book sales or even waiting to see if one's writing even sells. Some writers have writers' blocks and it isn't limited to writers for I know an artist of paintings who has painter's block. That can be especially difficult if you depend on your art to support yourself. I had a monumental case of writer's block before I went to Korea. I don't anymore. That part of being a writer sucks.

When you write in a journal, you are not writing to sell something. It does not matter if you have the right word or not. You just write what comes up and if you don't have anything you write I don't have anything. I have done that many times, but something always comes up even if it is the television show you watched last night. I like to practice writing descriptions of things as I feel I am poor at it. When I was a kid, I liked in Southern California and remember seeing everything covered with ice one morning and wrote it in my journal. I also said so to someone as I have never seen anything like it. The girl who was from Colorado said: "That is frost, Stupid." I was amazed. I never saw frost before. I didn't like what she said to me but we did remain friends for a long time as she became a science fiction writer and artist. She also never lost her rather jaded outlook on life. She died years ago and I still miss her, but I still hear her hard remarks ever so often.

I must sound like a broken record because I have written how important it is to write everyday. If you must be around people, write in restaurants. As I said, Denny does not mind as long as you are there during the off hours. Certainly Starbucks don't mind. I write in parks and see writing being done there all of the time. Write at home or in the tub. Just do it so it fits your lifestyle.

Facebook, Twitter, etc.

I have a Facebook and Twitter accounts that were easy to open and are free. I encourage writers to have them because they keep writers in the "loop" so to speak. A writer can also interface with other writers as well and that is important in finding out what is happening in writing and literature. I am the sort of writer who doesn't always like to face the world. Sometimes all I can do is peep at it through the social networks of Facebook and Twitter. Not every writer is that way. Some are very social creatures and those same social inventions can be a real excuse not to write. Still, with all of those disadvantages, it is more advantageous to keep in touch with writers and others through the media than not.

I know several writers who are published and do not have accounts in Facebook or any other account on the Internet. They tend to be a bit older and are fighting the Internet Revolution. I have encouraged them to re-consider. They also have been fighting having a blog as well. Publishers and agents expect them to have them. I don't think writers should ever do things that others expect them to do; but I think it is a healthy thing for all writers to have a nodding acquaintance with the Internet and all that it can do for writers.

The computer was a terribly clever device that opened the writing world to me when I first got the Apple IIE and the Internet was like having a library of a sort at one's fingertips 24/7. I know a writer who was writing about well known dancers and lacked a small fact at two AM and was able to get it off the Internet. The article was due at 8 am. After he sent it off, he was having coffee with me at Starbacks and we were talking about Ginger Rodgers and got into a discussion of whether her mother was a US Marine and could look it up on his laptop. She was. She lived near Medford, Oregon and I knew this tidbit from childhood.

I had met this writer in the first place through Facebook and we were both surprised to note we lived in the same city. We exchanged names of other writers and now know of other free-lanced writers who live in this area. That would never have happened except through Facebook. There is a Writers Forum here in town and none of us are members. Many of those who attend are not published writers.

The Internet and Facebook, Twitter and such groups may seen daunting to the non-user but if you take it one step at a time it can be learned. Those groups go out of their way to make signing up and using their services as easy as possible after all they make money from the people who sign up. They selling advertising space and other related services.

For those of you who don't use their Facebook very often, I suggest that you use it more and use a trademark or symbol that is the same for other social networking media so people will identify with you and either follow you on Twitter or want to be your friend on Facebook. Every so often you will get someone that is a bad match but de-registering them is a very easy thing to do and people do it all of the time. On my Tweeter account I have 100 followers that change constantly and I change the number of people or organizations I follow as well. For instance, on my Facebook, a"friend" kept putting information that was very fundamental Christian which is not where I am at nor anyone else. I simply removed him as a friend. It was no big deal. He was always putting things on my Facebook that was trying to prove there was a god and no one was interested.

Even if you don't have a huge following on any of your accounts, just keeping up on them and writing on them in a regular fashion is very good for the development of your reading and writing skills. It also helps develop a tougher skin to face the rejection slips we all get from time to time. Maybe something will come up that is very negative about these things, then it will be a different matter and you can change your focus. Nothing is set in stone.

The Well Where Stories Come From.....

"The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection, and with the crime, guilt-and there is the story of humankind. One child, refused the love he craves, kicks the cat and hides his secret guilt; and another steals so that money will make him loved; and the third conquers the wold-and always the guilt and revenge and more guilt."
-John Steinbeck

Most writers on book tours or in writers' workshops are asked where they get their ideas and stories. The paragraph above written by John Steinbeck holds many ideas and story ideas for novels and short stories. Certainly, Steinbeck made us of them in "East of Eden" and other things he wrote. One writer I know has a great deal of trouble coming up with story ideas and another does not. It all depends. I am one of the lucky ones in that I never have trouble coming up with plots. One friend said that Phillip Dick was never at a loss for plots but unfortunately he was always at a loss of salable plots and books. Now that he is gone and in no need for money, his stories and novels are very hot. The films based on his books are often classics like "The Blade Runner".

So where does the stories come from? I have no idea where others come from, but mine come from the daydreams, fantasies and dreams that I have. Where do they come from? Gee, I don't know. When I first discovered Sherlock Holmes in the old Basil Rathbone movies on television when my mother was gone in the afternoon, I looked up the real Sherlock Holmes in Arthur Conan Doyle in the library. I loved those short stories and made up more in my head when I read all of them but with a role in them for a person who acted and looked just like me. Then I dropped that person and just wanted to be more like Sherlock Holmes himself. I got a lot of murder mysteries from those daydreams. The hero became more and more like another character and less and less like Sherlock Holmes. Holmes became my own creation. I had dropped Dr. Watson. I did learn that when you write the story, you had to have another character the detective could talk to. I just changed who he talked to and discovered why all great detectives usually had partners. How else does the reader know what is happening?

To me, it is fun to play with emotions. Love is fun and many novelists have fun with that one. Guilt is another one that Steinbeck used very effectively as many others have through the years. All of the emotions are ripe for stories such as jealousy, greed, and such. Certainly Shakespeare made use of them very effectively. How to portray them on the page or the stage is something a writer or playwright is particularly gifted in doing. What is easy to me may not be so easy to another. I have a friend who is a pharmacist and he has no difficulty performing his duties while I think it is amazing he can even remember what family certain drug groups belong. I think anyone can learn to write well but to construct a good plot is something else.

In summary, some writers are outstanding while others are alright. Some write books that will remain in people's minds for the rest of their lives while others end up forgotten on a shelf. Some writers write difficult prose but compelling plots while others write wonderful books with weak plots. I don't think there is an answer on where the stories come from anymore than a computer program can generate good stories (God, I hope not.). Still, I think it is interesting to think about it.