The Two Me's

I am in the midst of moving. Some of what is being packed are my journals and one journal was sitting all by itself and I looked at it. It was the journal I kept when I retired from civil service in 2002. I looked at parts of it and read this day's entry for it was set in the same time of the year. I could tell immediately that there were differences between the self that was going through a transition in 2002 and the transition that I am going through now.

That is the advantage of keeping journals for I would have thought that there was nothing new between those two periods of time and the journal told me differently. I could tell that I was still tied up with my job at the state agency I had walked out of at the end of March of 2002. There were some communication happening and I was feeling pain and sorrow from it. I was also active with the state union although I was in a transition period with them as well. I was the president of the Northern California part and a assistant chairperson of a committee that was very active in civil rights. On that day, April 28, 2002, I was finishing and returning from training some stewards in Sacramento.

There was no doubt I was feeling doubt about the future as I am now. I think from the writing that I was more tied into the past as I am now. I was angry and hurt from what had happened on the work site and was inclined to think about that. I wanted an end to that pain and tried to find ways of dodging that pain through my writing. I can see dark depression in everything I wrote then and it seems to pour off the page. I can certainly understand that reaction, but I was in no mood to feel it then. I wanted it gone. I wanted to get to the next chapter and to end the one I was in.

Although I am in a similar place, I am not so depressed although I could feel it when I read the journal. The degree of unhappiness that I am feeling is not going anywhere soon as I am not completely happy with the move that I am undertaking although I can see the necessity of it as I could see it in 2002. I will continue to feel what I am feeling now when I complete the final stage to Portland. I am sad about the broken relationship with my oldest son although I am optimistic about healing it sometime in the future. It just won't be happening anytime soon.

I think I am more honest now. I am more honest at how I look at him and certainly more honest at how I look at his father. I need time away from James and I am hoping never to see Dan again. I look at the nine long years that happened between the transition period that occurred in 2002 and now and I want to say that it is about time some growth took place. I am trying not to chastise myself like that anymore. Life has a way of beating one over the head. I don't need to add blows to this.

I look out of my window and can see how things change. A sycamore tree that has been there since I bought this house in 1997 has died and its dead bare branches stretch out from a corner of the window. Two new houses were built across the street and I can just barely see the tops of the roofs. What I can't see so readily are the changes that happened to me over the years. Pictures can show the ravages of time, but not what has been happening inside. Journals can do that. Mine certainly showed me aspects of me that had changed in the chapter of transition when I retired. Other journals that I wrote in Korea showed me other changes. I think I am more able to accept these situations. It still does not mean it gets easier. Change is never easy but as a tree that is tossing and turning never slows down the river my protesting the change never really slows down the passing of the years. It just happens. Life is what it is.